蜜桃交友

(120-164)

GROWING IN CONJUGAL LOVE

120. Our reflection on Saint Paul鈥檚 hymn to love has prepared us to discuss conjugal love. This is the love between husband and wife, a love sanctified, enriched and illuminated by the grace of the sacrament of marriage. It is an 鈥渁ffective union鈥�, spiritual and sacrificial, which combines the warmth of friendship and erotic passion, and endures long after emotions and passion subside. Pope Pius XI taught that this love permeates the duties of married life and enjoys pride of place. Infused by the Holy Spirit, this powerful love is a reflection of the unbroken covenant between Christ and humanity that culminated in his self-sacrifice on the cross. 鈥淭he Spirit which the Lord pours forth gives a new heart and renders man and woman capable of loving one another as Christ loved us. Conjugal love reaches that fullness to which it is interiorly ordained: conjugal charity.鈥�

121. Marriage is a precious sign, for 鈥渨hen a man and a woman celebrate the sacrament of marriage, God is, as it were, 鈥榤irrored鈥� in them; he impresses in them his own features and the indelible character of his love. Marriage is the icon of God鈥檚 love for us. Indeed, God is also communion: the three Persons of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit live eternally in perfect unity. And this is precisely the mystery of marriage: God makes of the two spouses one single existence鈥�. This has concrete daily consequences, because the spouses, 鈥渋n virtue of the sacrament, are invested with a true and proper mission, so that, starting with the simple ordinary things of life they can make visible the love with which Christ loves his Church and continues to give his life for her鈥�.

122. We should not however confuse different levels: there is no need to lay upon two limited persons the tremendous burden of having to reproduce perfectly the union existing between Christ and his Church, for marriage as a sign entails 鈥渁 dynamic process鈥�, one which advances gradually with the progressive integration of the gifts of God鈥�.

Lifelong sharing

123. After the love that unites us to God, conjugal love is the 鈥済reatest form of friendship鈥�. It is a union possessing all the traits of a good friendship: concern for the good of the other, reciprocity, intimacy, warmth, stability and the resemblance born of a shared life. Marriage joins to all this an indissoluble exclusivity expressed in the stable commitment to share and shape together the whole of life. Let us be honest and acknowledge the signs that this is the case. Lovers do not see their relationship as merely temporary. Those who marry do not expect their excitement to fade. Those who witness the celebration of a loving union, however fragile, trust that it will pass the test of time. Children not only want their parents to love one another, but also to be faithful and remain together. These and similar signs show that it is in the very nature of conjugal love to be definitive. The lasting union expressed by the marriage vows is more than a formality or a traditional formula; it is rooted in the natural inclinations of the human person. For believers, it is also a covenant before God that calls for fidelity: 鈥淭he Lord was witness to the covenant between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant鈥� Let none be faithless to the wife of his youth. For I hate divorce, says the Lord鈥� (Mal 2:14-16).

124. A love that is weak or infirm, incapable of accepting marriage as a challenge to be taken up and fought for, reborn, renewed and reinvented until death, cannot sustain a great commitment. It will succumb to the culture of the ephemeral that prevents a constant process of growth. Yet 鈥減romising love for ever is possible when we perceive a plan bigger than our own ideas and undertakings, a plan which sustains us and enables us to surrender our future entirely to the one we love鈥�. If this love is to overcome all trials and remain faithful in the face of everything, it needs the gift of grace to strengthen and elevate it. In the words of Saint Robert Bellarmine, 鈥渢he fact that one man unites with one woman in an indissoluble bond, and that they remain inseparable despite every kind of difficulty, even when there is no longer hope for children, can only be the sign of a great mystery鈥�.

125. Marriage is likewise a friendship marked by passion, but a passion always directed to an ever more stable and intense union. This is because 鈥渕arriage was not instituted solely for the procreation of children鈥� but also that mutual love 鈥渕ight be properly expressed, that it should grow and mature鈥�. This unique friendship between a man and a woman acquires an all-encompassing character only within the conjugal union. Precisely as all-encompassing, this union is also exclusive, faithful and open to new life. It shares everything in constant mutual respect. The Second Vatican Council echoed this by stating that 鈥渟uch a love, bringing together the human and the divine, leads the partners to a free and mutual self-giving, experienced in tenderness and action, and permeating their entire lives鈥�.

Joy and beauty

126. In marriage, the joy of love needs to be cultivated. When the search for pleasure becomes obsessive, it holds us in thrall and keeps us from experiencing other satisfactions. Joy, on the other hand, increases our pleasure and helps us find fulfilment in any number of things, even at those times of life when physical pleasure has ebbed. Saint Thomas Aquinas said that the word 鈥渏oy鈥� refers to an expansion of the heart. Marital joy can be experienced even amid sorrow; it involves accepting that marriage is an inevitable mixture of enjoyment and struggles, tensions and repose, pain and relief, satisfactions and longings, annoyances and pleasures, but always on the path of friendship, which inspires married couples to care for one another: 鈥渢hey help and serve each other鈥�.

127. The love of friendship is called 鈥渃harity鈥� when it perceives and esteems the 鈥済reat worth鈥� of another person. Beauty 鈥� that 鈥済reat worth鈥� which is other than physical or psychological appeal 鈥� enables us to appreciate the sacredness of a person, without feeling the need to possess it. In a consumerist society, the sense of beauty is impoverished and so joy fades. Everything is there to be purchased, possessed or consumed, including people. Tenderness, on the other hand, is a sign of a love free of selfish possessiveness. It makes us approach a person with immense respect and a certain dread of causing them harm or taking away their freedom. Loving another person involves the joy of contemplating and appreciating their innate beauty and sacredness, which is greater than my needs. This enables me to seek their good even when they cannot belong to me, or when they are no longer physically appealing but intrusive and annoying. For 鈥渢he love by which one person is pleasing to another depends on his or her giving something freely鈥�.

128. The aesthetic experience of love is expressed in that 鈥済aze鈥� which contemplates other persons as ends in themselves, even if they are infirm, elderly or physically unattractive. A look of appreciation has enormous importance, and to begrudge it is usually hurtful. How many things do spouses and children sometimes do in order to be noticed! Much hurt and many problems result when we stop looking at one another. This lies behind the complaints and grievances we often hear in families: 鈥淢y husband does not look at me; he acts as if I were invisible鈥�. 鈥淧lease look at me when I am talking to you!鈥�. 鈥淢y wife no longer looks at me, she only has eyes for our children鈥�. 鈥淚n my own home nobody cares about me; they do not even see me; it is as if I did not exist鈥�. Love opens our eyes and enables us to see, beyond all else, the great worth of a human being.

129. The joy of this contemplative love needs to be cultivated. Since we were made for love, we know that there is no greater joy than that of sharing good things: 鈥淕ive, take, and treat yourself well鈥� (Sir 14:16). The most intense joys in life arise when we are able to elicit joy in others, as a foretaste of heaven. We can think of the lovely scene in the film Babette鈥檚 Feast, when the generous cook receives a grateful hug and praise: 鈥淎h, how you will delight the angels!鈥� It is a joy and a great consolation to bring delight to others, to see them enjoying themselves. This joy, the fruit of fraternal love, is not that of the vain and self-centred, but of lovers who delight in the good of those whom they love, who give freely to them and thus bear good fruit.

130. On the other hand, joy also grows through pain and sorrow. In the words of Saint Augustine, 鈥渢he greater the danger in battle the greater is the joy of victory鈥�. After suffering and struggling together, spouses are able to experience that it was worth it, because they achieved some good, learned something as a couple, or came to appreciate what they have. Few human joys are as deep and thrilling as those experienced by two people who love one another and have achieved something as the result of a great, shared effort.

Marrying for love

131. I would like to say to young people that none of this is jeopardized when their love finds expression in marriage. Their union encounters in this institution the means to ensure that their love truly will endure and grow. Naturally, love is much more than an outward consent or a contract, yet it is nonetheless true that choosing to give marriage a visible form in society by undertaking certain commitments shows how important it is. It manifests the seriousness of each person鈥檚 identification with the other and their firm decision to leave adolescent individualism behind and to belong to one another. Marriage is a means of expressing that we have truly left the security of the home in which we grew up in order to build other strong ties and to take on a new responsibility for another person. This is much more meaningful than a mere spontaneous association for mutual gratification, which would turn marriage into a purely private affair. As a social institution, marriage protects and shapes a shared commitment to deeper growth in love and commitment to one another, for the good of society as a whole. That is why marriage is more than a fleeting fashion; it is of enduring importance. Its essence derives from our human nature and social character. It involves a series of obligations born of love itself, a love so serious and generous that it is ready to face any risk.

132. To opt for marriage in this way expresses a genuine and firm decision to join paths, come what may. Given its seriousness, this public commitment of love cannot be the fruit of a hasty decision, but neither can it be postponed indefinitely. Committing oneself exclusively and definitively to another person always involves a risk and a bold gamble. Unwillingness to make such a commitment is selfish, calculating and petty. It fails to recognize the rights of another person and to present him or her to society as someone worthy of unconditional love. If two persons are truly in love, they naturally show this to others. When love is expressed before others in the marriage contract, with all its public commitments, it clearly indicates and protects the 鈥測es鈥� which those persons speak freely and unreservedly to each other. This 鈥測es鈥� tells them that they can always trust one another, and that they will never be abandoned when difficulties arise or new attractions or selfish interests present themselves.

A love that reveals itself and increases

133. The love of friendship unifies all aspects of marital life and helps family members to grow constantly. This love must be freely and generously expressed in words and acts. In the family, 鈥渢hree words need to be used. I want to repeat this! Three words: 鈥楶lease鈥�, 鈥楾hank you鈥�, 鈥楽orry鈥�. Three essential words!鈥�. 鈥淚n our families when we are not overbearing and ask: 鈥楳ay I?鈥�; in our families when we are not selfish and can say: 鈥楾hank you!鈥�; and in our families when someone realizes that he or she did something wrong and is able to say 鈥楽orry!鈥�, our family experiences peace and joy鈥�. Let us not be stingy about using these words, but keep repeating them, day after day. For 鈥渃ertain silences are oppressive, even at times within families, between husbands and wives, between parents and children, among siblings鈥�. The right words, spoken at the right time, daily protect and nurture love.

134. All this occurs through a process of constant growth. The very special form of love that is marriage is called to embody what Saint Thomas Aquinas said about charity in general. 鈥淐harity鈥�, he says, 鈥渂y its very nature, has no limit to its increase, for it is a participation in that infinite charity which is the Holy Spirit鈥� Nor on the part of the subject can its limit be fixed, because as charity grows, so too does its capacity for an even greater increase鈥�. Saint Paul also prays: 鈥淢ay the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another鈥� (1 Th 3:12), and again, 鈥渃oncerning fraternal love鈥� we urge you, beloved, to do so more and more鈥� (1 Th 4:9-10). More and more! Marital love is not defended primarily by presenting indissolubility as a duty, or by repeating doctrine, but by helping it to grow ever stronger under the impulse of grace. A love that fails to grow is at risk. Growth can only occur if we respond to God鈥檚 grace through constant acts of love, acts of kindness that become ever more frequent, intense, generous, tender and cheerful. Husbands and wives 鈥渂ecome conscious of their unity and experience it more deeply from day to day鈥�. The gift of God鈥檚 love poured out upon the spouses is also a summons to constant growth in grace.

135. It is not helpful to dream of an idyllic and perfect love needing no stimulus to grow. A celestial notion of earthly love forgets that the best is yet to come, that fine wine matures with age. As the Bishops of Chile have pointed out, 鈥渢he perfect families proposed by deceptive consumerist propaganda do not exist. In those families, no one grows old, there is no sickness, sorrow or death鈥� Consumerist propaganda presents a fantasy that has nothing to do with the reality which must daily be faced by the heads of families鈥�. It is much healthier to be realistic about our limits, defects and imperfections, and to respond to the call to grow together, to bring love to maturity and to strengthen the union, come what may.

Dialogue

136. Dialogue is essential for experiencing, expressing and fostering love in marriage and family life. Yet it can only be the fruit of a long and demanding apprenticeship. Men and women, young people and adults, communicate differently. They speak different languages and they act in different ways. Our way of asking and responding to questions, the tone we use, our timing and any number of other factors condition how well we communicate. We need to develop certain attitudes that express love and encourage authentic dialogue.

137. Take time, quality time. This means being ready to listen patiently and attentively to everything the other person wants to say. It requires the self-discipline of not speaking until the time is right. Instead of offering an opinion or advice, we need to be sure that we have heard everything the other person has to say. This means cultivating an interior silence that makes it possible to listen to the other person without mental or emotional distractions. Do not be rushed, put aside all of your own needs and worries, and make space. Often the other spouse does not need a solution to his or her problems, but simply to be heard, to feel that someone has acknowledge their pain, their disappointment, their fear, their anger, their hopes and their dreams. How often we hear complaints like: 鈥淗e does not listen to me.鈥� 鈥淓ven when you seem to, you are really doing something else.鈥� 鈥淚 talk to her and I feel like she can鈥檛 wait for me to finish.鈥� 鈥淲hen I speak to her, she tries to change the subject, or she gives me curt responses to end the conversation鈥�.

138. Develop the habit of giving real importance to the other person. This means appreciating them and recognizing their right to exist, to think as they do and to be happy. Never downplay what they say or think, even if you need to express your own point of view. Everyone has something to contribute, because they have their life experiences, they look at things from a different standpoint and they have their own concerns, abilities and insights. We ought to be able to acknowledge the other person鈥檚 truth, the value of his or her deepest concerns, and what it is that they are trying to communicate, however aggressively. We have to put ourselves in their shoes and try to peer into their hearts, to perceive their deepest concerns and to take them as a point of departure for further dialogue.

139. Keep an open mind. Don鈥檛 get bogged down in your own limited ideas and opinions, but be prepared to change or expand them. The combination of two different ways of thinking can lead to a synthesis that enriches both. The unity that we seek is not uniformity, but a 鈥渦nity in diversity鈥�, or 鈥渞econciled diversity鈥�. Fraternal communion is enriched by respect and appreciation for differences within an overall perspective that advances the common good. We need to free ourselves from feeling that we all have to be alike. A certain astuteness is also needed to prevent the appearance of 鈥渟tatic鈥� that can interfere with the process of dialogue. For example, if hard feelings start to emerge, they should be dealt with sensitively, lest they interrupt the dynamic of dialogue. The ability to say what one is thinking without offending the other person is important. Words should be carefully chosen so as not to offend, especially when discussing difficult issues. Making a point should never involve venting anger and inflicting hurt. A patronizing tone only serves to hurt, ridicule, accuse and offend others. Many disagreements between couples are not about important things. Mostly they are about trivial matters. What alters the mood, however, is the way things are said or the attitude with which they are said.

140. Show affection and concern for the other person. Love surmounts even the worst barriers. When we love someone, or when we feel loved by them, we can better understand what they are trying to communicate. Fearing the other person as a kind of 鈥渞ival鈥� is a sign of weakness and needs to be overcome. It is very important to base one鈥檚 position on solid choices, beliefs or values, and not on the need to win an argument or to be proved right.

141. Finally, let us acknowledge that for a worthwhile dialogue we have to have something to say. This can only be the fruit of an interior richness nourished by reading, personal reflection, prayer and openness to the world around us. Otherwise, conversations become boring and trivial. When neither of the spouses works at this, and has little real contact with other people, family life becomes stifling and dialogue impoverished.

PASSIONATE LOVE

142. The Second Vatican Council teaches that this conjugal love 鈥渆mbraces the good of the whole person; it can enrich the sentiments of the spirit and their physical expression with a unique dignity and ennoble them as the special features and manifestation of the friendship proper to marriage鈥�. For this reason, a love lacking either pleasure or passion is insufficient to symbolize the union of the human heart with God: 鈥淎ll the mystics have affirmed that supernatural love and heavenly love find the symbols which they seek in marital love, rather than in friendship, filial devotion or devotion to a cause. And the reason is to be found precisely in its totality鈥�. Why then should we not pause to speak of feelings and sexuality in marriage?

The world of emotions

143. Desires, feelings, emotions, what the ancients called 鈥渢he passions鈥�, all have an important place in married life. They are awakened whenever 鈥渁nother鈥� becomes present and part of a person鈥檚 life. It is characteristic of all living beings to reach out to other things, and this tendency always has basic affective signs: pleasure or pain, joy or sadness, tenderness or fear. They ground the most elementary psychological activity. Human beings live on this earth, and all that they do and seek is fraught with passion.

144. As true man, Jesus showed his emotions. He was hurt by the rejection of Jerusalem (cf. Mt 23:27) and this moved him to tears (cf. Lk 19:41). He was also deeply moved by the sufferings of others (cf. Mk 6:34). He felt deeply their grief (cf. Jn 11:33), and he wept at the death of a friend (cf. Jn 11:35). These examples of his sensitivity showed how much his human heart was open to others.

145. Experiencing an emotion is not, in itself, morally good or evil. The stirring of desire or repugnance is neither sinful nor blameworthy. What is morally good or evil is what we do on the basis of, or under the influence of, a given passion. But when passions are aroused or sought, and as a result we perform evil acts, the evil lies in the decision to fuel them and in the evil acts that result. Along the same lines, my being attracted to someone is not automatically good. If my attraction to that person makes me try to dominate him or her, then my feeling only serves my selfishness. To believe that we are good simply because 鈥渨e feel good鈥� is a tremendous illusion. There are those who feel themselves capable of great love only because they have a great need for affection, yet they prove incapable of the effort needed to bring happiness to others. They remain caught up in their own needs and desires. In such cases, emotions distract from the highest values and conceal a self-centredness that makes it impossible to develop a healthy and happy family life.

146. This being said, if passion accompanies a free act, it can manifest the depth of that act. Marital love strives to ensure that one鈥檚 entire emotional life benefits the family as a whole and stands at the service of its common life. A family is mature when the emotional life of its members becomes a form of sensitivity that neither stifles nor obscures great decisions and values, but rather follows each one鈥檚 freedom, springs from it, enriches, perfects and harmonizes it in the service of all.

God loves the joy of his children

147. This calls for a pedagogical process that involves renunciation. This conviction on the part of the Church has often been rejected as opposed to human happiness. Benedict XVI summed up this charge with great clarity: 鈥淒oesn鈥檛 the Church, with all her commandments and prohibitions, turn to bitterness the most precious thing in life? Doesn鈥檛 she blow the whistle just when the joy which is the Creator鈥檚 gift offers us a happiness which is itself a certain foretaste of the Divine?鈥� He responded that, although there have been exaggerations and deviant forms of asceticism in Christianity, the Church鈥檚 official teaching, in fidelity to the Scriptures, did not reject 鈥渆ros as such, but rather declared war on a warped and destructive form of it, because this counterfeit divinization of eros鈥� actually strips it of divine dignity and dehumanizes it鈥�.

148. Training in the areas of emotion and instinct is necessary, and at times this requires setting limits. Excess, lack of control or obsession with a single form of pleasure can end up weakening and tainting that very pleasure and damaging family life. A person can certainly channel his passions in a beautiful and healthy way, increasingly pointing them towards altruism and an integrated self-fulfilment that can only enrich interpersonal relationships in the heart of the family. This does not mean renouncing moments of intense enjoyment, but rather integrating them with other moments of generous commitment, patient hope, inevitable weariness and struggle to achieve an ideal. Family life is all this, and it deserves to be lived to the fullest.

149. Some currents of spirituality teach that desire has to be eliminated as a path to liberation from pain. Yet we believe that God loves the enjoyment felt by human beings: he created us and 鈥渞ichly furnishes us with everything to enjoy鈥� (1 Tim 6:17). Let us be glad when with great love he tells us: 鈥淢y son, treat yourself well鈥� Do not deprive yourself of a happy day鈥� (Sir 14:11-14). Married couples likewise respond to God鈥檚 will when they take up the biblical injunction: 鈥淏e joyful in the day of prosperity鈥� (Ec 7:14). What is important is to have the freedom to realize that pleasure can find different expressions at different times of life, in accordance with the needs of mutual love. In this sense, we can appreciate the teachings of some Eastern masters who urge us to expand our consciousness, lest we be imprisoned by one limited experience that can blinker us. This expansion of consciousness is not the denial or destruction of desire so much as its broadening and perfection.

The erotic dimension of love

150. All this brings us to the sexual dimension of marriage. God himself created sexuality, which is a marvellous gift to his creatures. If this gift needs to be cultivated and directed, it is to prevent the 鈥渋mpoverishment of an authentic value鈥�. Saint John Paul II rejected the claim that the Church鈥檚 teaching is 鈥渁 negation of the value of human sexuality鈥�, or that the Church simply tolerates sexuality 鈥渂ecause it is necessary for procreation鈥�. Sexual desire is not something to be looked down upon, and 鈥渁nd there can be no attempt whatsoever to call into question its necessity鈥�.

151. To those who fear that the training of the passions and of sexuality detracts from the spontaneity of sexual love, Saint John Paul II replied that human persons are 鈥渃alled to full and mature spontaneity in their relationships鈥�, a maturity that 鈥渋s the gradual fruit of a discernment of the impulses of one鈥檚 own heart鈥�. This calls for discipline and self-mastery, since every human person 鈥渕ust learn, with perseverance and consistency, the meaning of his or her body鈥�. Sexuality is not a means of gratification or entertainment; it is an interpersonal language wherein the other is taken seriously, in his or her sacred and inviolable dignity. As such, 鈥渢he human heart comes to participate, so to speak, in another kind of spontaneity鈥�. In this context, the erotic appears as a specifically human manifestation of sexuality. It enables us to discover 鈥渢he nuptial meaning of the body and the authentic dignity of the gift鈥�. In his catecheses on the theology of the body, Saint John Paul II taught that sexual differentiation not only is 鈥渁 source of fruitfulness and procreation鈥�, but also possesses 鈥渢he capacity of expressing love: that love precisely in which the human person becomes a gift鈥�. A healthy sexual desire, albeit closely joined to a pursuit of pleasure, always involves a sense of wonder, and for that very reason can humanize the impulses.

152. In no way, then, can we consider the erotic dimension of love simply as a permissible evil or a burden to be tolerated for the good of the family. Rather, it must be seen as gift from God that enriches the relationship of the spouses. As a passion sublimated by a love respectful of the dignity of the other, it becomes a 鈥減ure, unadulterated affirmation鈥� revealing the marvels of which the human heart is capable. In this way, even momentarily, we can feel that 鈥渓ife has turned out good and happy鈥�.154

Violence and manipulation

153. On the basis of this positive vision of sexuality, we can approach the entire subject with a healthy realism. It is, after all, a fact that sex often becomes depersonalized and unhealthy; as a result, 鈥渋t becomes the occasion and instrument for self-assertion and the selfish satisfaction of personal desires and instincts鈥�. In our own day, sexuality risks being poisoned by the mentality of 鈥渦se and discard鈥�. The body of the other is often viewed as an object to be used as long as it offers satisfaction, and rejected once it is no longer appealing. Can we really ignore or overlook the continuing forms of domination, arrogance, abuse, sexual perversion and violence that are the product of a warped understanding of sexuality? Or the fact that the dignity of others and our human vocation to love thus end up being less important than an obscure need to 鈥渇ind oneself 鈥�?

154. We also know that, within marriage itself, sex can become a source of suffering and manipulation. Hence it must be clearly reaffirmed that 鈥渁 conjugal act imposed on one鈥檚 spouse without regard to his or her condition, or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife鈥�. The acts proper to the sexual union of husband and wife correspond to the nature of sexuality as willed by God when they take place in 鈥渁 manner which is truly human鈥�. Saint Paul insists: 鈥淟et no one transgress and wrong his brother or sister in this matter鈥� (1 Th 4:6). Even though Paul was writing in the context of a patriarchal culture in which women were considered completely subordinate to men, he nonetheless taught that sex must involve communication between the spouses: he brings up the possibility of postponing sexual relations for a period, but 鈥渂y agreement鈥� (1 Cor 7:5).

155. Saint John Paul II very subtly warned that a couple can be 鈥渢hreatened by insatiability鈥�. In other words, while called to an increasingly profound union, they can risk effacing their differences and the rightful distance between the two. For each possesses his or her own proper and inalienable dignity. When reciprocal belonging turns into domination, 鈥渢he structure of communion in interpersonal relations is essentially changed鈥�. It is part of the mentality of domination that those who dominate end up negating their own dignity. Ultimately, they no longer 鈥渋dentify themselves subjectively with their own body鈥�, because they take away its deepest meaning. They end up using sex as form of escapism and renounce the beauty of conjugal union.

156. Every form of sexual submission must be clearly rejected. This includes all improper interpretations of the passage in the Letter to the Ephesians where Paul tells women to 鈥渂e subject to your husbands鈥� (Eph 5:22). This passage mirrors the cultural categories of the time, but our concern is not with its cultural matrix but with the revealed message that it conveys. As Saint John Paul II wisely observed: 鈥淟ove excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband鈥� The community or unity which they should establish through marriage is constituted by a reciprocal donation of self, which is also a mutual subjection鈥�. Hence Paul goes on to say that 鈥渉usbands should love their wives as their own bodies鈥� (Eph 5:28). The biblical text is actually concerned with encouraging everyone to overcome a complacent individualism and to be constantly mindful of others: 鈥淏e subject to one another鈥� (Eph 5:21). In marriage, this reciprocal 鈥渟ubmission鈥� takes on a special meaning, and is seen as a freely chosen mutual belonging marked by fidelity, respect and care. Sexuality is inseparably at the service of this conjugal friendship, for it is meant to aid the fulfilment of the other.

157. All the same, the rejection of distortions of sexuality and eroticism should never lead us to a disparagement or neglect of sexuality and eros in themselves. The ideal of marriage cannot be seen purely as generous donation and self-sacrifice, where each spouse renounces all personal needs and seeks only the other鈥檚 good without concern for personal satisfaction. We need to remember that authentic love also needs to be able to receive the other, to accept one鈥檚 own vulnerability and needs, and to welcome with sincere and joyful gratitude the physical expressions of love found in a caress, an embrace, a kiss and sexual union. Benedict XVI stated this very clearly: 鈥淪hould man aspire to be pure spirit and to reject the flesh as pertaining to his animal nature alone, then spirit and body would both lose their dignity鈥�. For this reason, 鈥渕an cannot live by oblative, descending love alone. He cannot always give, he must also receive. Anyone who wishes to give love must also receive love as a gift鈥�. Still, we must never forget that our human equilibrium is fragile; there is a part of us that resists real human growth, and any moment it can unleash the most primitive and selfish tendencies.

Marriage and virginity

158. 鈥淢any people who are unmarried are not only devoted to their own family but often render great service in their group of friends, in the Church community and in their professional lives. Sometimes their presence and contributions are overlooked, causing in them a sense of isolation. Many put their talents at the service of the Christian community through charity and volunteer work. Others remain unmarried because they consecrate their lives to the love of Christ and neighbour. Their dedication greatly enriches the family, the Church and society鈥�.

159. Virginity is a form of love. As a sign, it speaks to us of the coming of the Kingdom and the need for complete devotion to the cause of the Gospel (cf. 1 Cor 7:32). It is also a reflection of the fullness of heaven, where 鈥渢hey neither marry not are given in marriage鈥� (Mt 22:30). Saint Paul recommended virginity because he expected Jesus鈥� imminent return and he wanted everyone to concentrate only on spreading the Gospel: 鈥渢he appointed time has grown very short鈥� (1 Cor 7:29). Nonetheless, he made it clear that this was his personal opinion and preference (cf. 1 Cor 7:6-9), not something demanded by Christ: 鈥淚 have no command in the Lord鈥� (1 Cor 7:25). All the same, he recognized the value of the different callings: 鈥淓ach has his or her own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another鈥� (1 Cor 7:7). Reflecting on this, Saint John Paul II noted that the biblical texts 鈥済ive no reason to assert the 鈥榠nferiority鈥� of marriage, nor the 鈥榮uperiority鈥� of virginity or celibacy鈥� based on sexual abstinence. Rather than speak absolutely of the superiority of virginity, it should be enough to point out that the different states of life complement one another, and consequently that some can be more perfect in one way and others in another. Alexander of Hales, for example, stated that in one sense marriage may be considered superior to the other sacraments, inasmuch as it symbolizes the great reality of 鈥淐hrist鈥檚 union with the Church, or the union of his divine and human natures鈥�.

160. Consequently, 鈥渋t is not a matter of diminishing the value of matrimony in favour of continence鈥�. 鈥淭here is no basis for playing one off against the other鈥� If, following a certain theological tradition, one speaks of a 鈥榮tate of perfection鈥� (status perfectionis), this has to do not with continence in itself, but with the entirety of a life based on the evangelical counsels鈥�. A married person can experience the highest degree of charity and thus 鈥渞each the perfection which flows from charity, through fidelity to the spirit of those counsels. Such perfection is possible and accessible to every man and woman鈥�.

161. The value of virginity lies in its symbolizing a love that has no need to possess the other; in this way it reflects the freedom of the Kingdom of Heaven. Virginity encourages married couples to live their own conjugal love against the backdrop of Christ鈥檚 definitive love, journeying together towards the fullness of the Kingdom. For its part, conjugal love symbolizes other values. On the one hand, it is a particular reflection of that full unity in distinction found in the Trinity. The family is also a sign of Christ. It manifests the closeness of God who is a part of every human life, since he became one with us through his incarnation, death and resurrection. Each spouse becomes 鈥渙ne flesh鈥� with the other as a sign of willingness to share everything with him or her until death. Whereas virginity is an 鈥渆schatological鈥� sign of the risen Christ, marriage is a 鈥渉istorical鈥� sign for us living in this world, a sign of the earthly Christ who chose to become one with us and gave himself up for us even to shedding his blood. Virginity and marriage are, and must be, different ways of loving. For 鈥渕an cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him鈥�.

162. Celibacy can risk becoming a comfortable single life that provides the freedom to be independent, to move from one residence, work or option to another, to spend money as one sees fit and to spend time with others as one wants. In such cases, the witness of married people becomes especially eloquent. Those called to virginity can encounter in some marriages a clear sign of God鈥檚 generous and steadfast fidelity to his covenant, and this can move them to a more concrete and generous availability to others. Many married couples remain faithful when one of them has become physically unattractive, or fails to satisfy the other鈥檚 needs, despite the voices in our society that might encourage them to be unfaithful or to leave the other. A wife can care for her sick husband and thus, in drawing near to the Cross, renew her commitment to love unto death. In such love, the dignity of the true lover shines forth, inasmuch as it is more proper to charity to love than to be loved. We could also point to the presence in many families of a capacity for selfless and loving service when children prove troublesome and even ungrateful. This makes those parents a sign of the free and selfless love of Jesus. Cases like these encourage celibate persons to live their commitment to the Kingdom with greater generosity and openness. Today, secularization has obscured the value of a life-long union and the beauty of the vocation to marriage. For this reason, it is 鈥渘ecessary to deepen an understanding of the positive aspects of conjugal love鈥�.

THE TRANSFORMATION OF LOVE

163. Longer life spans now mean that close and exclusive relationships must last for four, five or even six decades; consequently, the initial decision has to be frequently renewed. While one of the spouses may no longer experience an intense sexual desire for the other, he or she may still experience the pleasure of mutual belonging and the knowledge that neither of them is alone but has a 鈥減artner鈥� with whom everything in life is shared. He or she is a companion on life鈥檚 journey, one with whom to face life鈥檚 difficulties and enjoy its pleasures. This satisfaction is part of the affection proper to conjugal love. There is no guarantee that we will feel the same way all through life. Yet if a couple can come up with a shared and lasting life project, they can love one another and live as one until death do them part, enjoying an enriching intimacy. The love they pledge is greater than any emotion, feeling or state of mind, although it may include all of these. It is a deeper love, a lifelong decision of the heart. Even amid unresolved conflicts and confused emotional situations, they daily reaffirm their decision to love, to belong to one another, to share their lives and to continue loving and forgiving. Each progresses along the path of personal growth and development. On this journey, love rejoices at every step and in every new stage.

164. In the course of every marriage physical appearances change, but this hardly means that love and attraction need fade. We love the other person for who they are, not simply for their body. Although the body ages, it still expresses that personal identity that first won our heart. Even if others can no longer see the beauty of that identity, a spouse continues to see it with the eyes of love and so his or her affection does not diminish. He or she reaffirms the decision to belong to the other and expresses that choice in faithful and loving closeness. The nobility of this decision, by its intensity and depth, gives rise to a new kind of emotion as they fulfil their marital mission. For 鈥渆motion, caused by another human being as a person鈥� does not per se tend toward the conjugal act鈥�. It finds other sensible expressions. Indeed, love 鈥渋s a single reality, but with different dimensions; at different times, one or other dimension may emerge more clearly鈥�. The marriage bond finds new forms of expression and constantly seeks new ways to grow in strength. These both preserve and strengthen the bond. They call for daily effort. None of this, however, is possible without praying to the Holy Spirit for an outpouring of his grace, his supernatural strength and his spiritual fire, to confirm, direct and transform our love in every new situation.

 Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1641.

 Cf. Benedict XVI, Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2005), 2: AAS 98 (2006), 218.

 Spiritual Exercises, Contemplation to Attain Love (230).

 Octavio Paz, La llama doble, Barcelona, 1993, 35.

 Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 114, art. 2, ad 1.

 Catechesis (13 May 2005): L鈥橭sservatore Romano, 14 May 2015, p. 8.

 Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q. 27, art. 1, ad 2.

 Ibid., q. 27, art. 1.

 Catechesis (13 May 2015): L鈥橭sservatore Romano, 14 May 2015, p. 8.

 John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio (22 November 1981), 21: AAS 74 (1982), 106.

 Martin Luther King Jr., Sermon delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama, 17 November 1957.

 Thomas Aquinas calls love a vis unitiva (Summa Theologiae I, q. 20, art. 1, ad 3), echoing a phrase of Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite (De Divinis Nominibus, IV, 12: PG 3, 709).

 Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 27, art. 2.

 Encyclical Letter Casti Connubii (31 December 1930): AAS 22 (1930), 547-548.

 John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio (22 November 1981) 13: AAS 74 (1982), 94.

 Catechesis (2 April 2014): L鈥橭sservatore Romano, 3 April 2014, p. 8.

 Ibid.

 John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio (22 November 1981), 9: AAS 75 (1982), 90.

 Thomas Aquinas, Summa Contra Gentiles III, 123; cf. Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, 8, 12 (ed. Bywater, Oxford, 1984, 174).

 Encyclical Letter Lumen Fidei (29 June 2013), 52: AAS 105 (2013), 590.

 De sacramento matrimonii, I, 2; in Id., Disputationes, III, 5, 3 (ed. Giuliano, Naples, 1858), 778.

 Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 50.

 Ibid., 49.

 Cf. Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 31, art. 3., ad 3.

 Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 48.

 Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 26, art. 3.

 Ibid., q. 110, art. 1.

 Augustine, Confessions, VIII, III, 7: PL 32, 752.

 Address to the Pilgrimage of Families during the Year of Faith (26 October 2013): AAS 105 (2013), 980.

 Angelus Message (29 December 2013): L鈥橭sservatore Romano, 30-31 December 2013, p. 7.

 Address to the Pilgrimage of Families during the Year of Faith (26 October 2013): AAS 105 (2013), 978.

 Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 24, art. 7.

 Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 48.

 Chilean Bishops鈥� Conference, La vida y la familia: regalos de Dios para cada uno de nosotros (21 July 2014).

 Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 49.

 A. Sertillanges, L鈥橝mour chrétien, Paris, 1920, 174.

 Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 24, art. 1.

 Cf. ibid., q. 59, art. 5.

 Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2005), 3: AAS 98 (2006), 219-220.

 Ibid., 4: AAS 98 (2006), 220.

 Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 32, art.7.

 Cf. Id., Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 153, art. 2, ad 2: 鈥淎bundantia delectationis quae est in actu venereo secundum rationem ordinato, non contrariatur medio virtutis鈥�.

 John Paul II, Catechesis (22 October 1980), 5: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 951.

 Ibid., 3.

 Id., Catechesis, (24 September 1980), 4: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 719.

 Catechesis (12 November 1980), 2: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 1133.

 Ibid., 4.

 Ibid., 5.

 Ibid., 1: 1132.

 Catechesis (16 January 1980), 1: Insegnamenti III/1 (1980), 151.

 Josef Pieper, Über die Liebe, Munich, 2014, 174. English: On Love, in Faith, Hope, Love, San Francisco, 1997, p. 256.

 John Paul II, Encyclical Letter Evangelium Vitae (25 March 1995), 23: AAS 87 (1995), 427.

 Paul VI, Encyclical Letter Humanae Vitae (25 July 1968), 13: AAS 60 (1968), 489.

 Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et Spes, 49.

 Catechesis (18 June 1980), 5: Insegnamenti III/1 (1980), 1778.

 Ibid., 6.

 Cf. Catechesis (30 July 1980), 1: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 311.

 Catechesis (8 April 1981), 3: Insegnamenti IV/1 (1981), 904.

 Catechesis (11 August 1982), 4: Insegnamenti V/3 (1982), 205-206.

 Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2005), 5: AAS 98 (2006), 221.

 Ibid., 7.

 Relatio Finalis 2015, 22.

 Catechesis (14 April 1982), 1: Insegnamenti V/1 (1982), 1176.

 Glossa in quatuor libros sententiarum Petri Lombardi, IV, XXVI, 2 (Quaracchi, 1957, 446).

 John Paul II, Catechesis (7 April 1982), 2: Insegnamenti V/1 (1982), 1127.

 Id., Catechesis (14 April 1982), 3: Insegnamenti V/1 (1982), 1177.

 Ibid.

 Id., Encyclical Letter Redemptor Hominis (4 March 1979), 10: AAS 71 (1979), 274.

 Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q. 27, art. 1.

 Pontifical Council for the Family, Family, Marriage and 鈥淒e Facto鈥� Unions (26 July 2000), 40.

 John Paul II, Catechesis (31 October 1984), 6: Insegnamenti VII/2 (1984), 1072.

 Benedict XVI, Encyclical Letter Deus Caritas Est (25 December 2005), 8: AAS 98 (2006), 224.